08-31-2014, 09:46 AM
hi Bob,
the idea itself that you are trying to express is very touching, and you're close. i can tell you have the energy and feeling needed to reach the true expression. overall the chosen words to me seem a little off, a bit wordy. you can still reach the reader with simple phrases and good similes. i really like the moments you describe, but i think i'm relying a bit on my imagination to cut through some odd wording. not sure why silenced is "uncoiled", but maybe i've never heard that phrase. not sure about "stirred like sour paste." the whole thing might works best as prose. definitely keep going.
the idea itself that you are trying to express is very touching, and you're close. i can tell you have the energy and feeling needed to reach the true expression. overall the chosen words to me seem a little off, a bit wordy. you can still reach the reader with simple phrases and good similes. i really like the moments you describe, but i think i'm relying a bit on my imagination to cut through some odd wording. not sure why silenced is "uncoiled", but maybe i've never heard that phrase. not sure about "stirred like sour paste." the whole thing might works best as prose. definitely keep going.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
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