Hi Danny.
thanks for the feedback elsewhere. it's what the site thrives on.
the prose:
after the first read it felt a little wordy. could it be tightened up by taking out excess words. it would still be prose but easier on the read. N example (not rewrite, )
what part does the glazed roofs play in the tale, you say clear yet talk of mist, warm indicates a strong ray of sun {you could remove [clear]}
word choice also creates good prose, strolling through the clear wet morning feels a little flat as does the tree bark line. all writing needs to hold the readers attention, loose lines don't , you can use some poetic devices in prose, they're the writer's friend.
can the rest of the paragraphs be tightened up/made sharper in a more interesting.
thanks for the feedback elsewhere. it's what the site thrives on.
the prose:
after the first read it felt a little wordy. could it be tightened up by taking out excess words. it would still be prose but easier on the read. N example (not rewrite, )
Quote:Strolling through the clear wet morning. Glazed roofs in the distance. Dew sparkling on the grasses under my feet. A single bird on the roof of my home, calling out to the brilliant dawn. Mist that cannot completely restrain warm and strong rays of sun.
what part does the glazed roofs play in the tale, you say clear yet talk of mist, warm indicates a strong ray of sun {you could remove [clear]}
Quote:Strolling through the clear wet morning: Glazed roofs in the distance. Dew sparkling on grass (use a simile of choice here). A bird on my roof calling out to the brilliant dawn, Mist that cannot restrain a warm sun's rays.
Quote:The bark of a tree is bright on a side, and dark with shadow on another
Quote: Tree bark is bright on one side, and dark with shadow on the other
word choice also creates good prose, strolling through the clear wet morning feels a little flat as does the tree bark line. all writing needs to hold the readers attention, loose lines don't , you can use some poetic devices in prose, they're the writer's friend.
can the rest of the paragraphs be tightened up/made sharper in a more interesting.