08-27-2014, 02:05 PM
bob68,
I had to read stanza 1 several times until I maybe got what you were saying.
"Midnight clanged
when her spiraling silhouette anchored down. (This makes little sense)
Tethered to indomitable irons (isn't "indomitable" a bit repetitious)
your mother's choice to kill herself,
left your world to me." (Shouldn't this be "left you to me")
There is way too much repetitiousness through out .
apple trees spangled with their gems (I don't think "spangled" is a good word choice as it does not really apply, and as it is in present tense it should probably be "spangling".
There are a number of other things, but I guess I'll leave it at that.
welcome to the site.
Dale
I had to read stanza 1 several times until I maybe got what you were saying.
"Midnight clanged
when her spiraling silhouette anchored down. (This makes little sense)
Tethered to indomitable irons (isn't "indomitable" a bit repetitious)
your mother's choice to kill herself,
left your world to me." (Shouldn't this be "left you to me")
There is way too much repetitiousness through out .
apple trees spangled with their gems (I don't think "spangled" is a good word choice as it does not really apply, and as it is in present tense it should probably be "spangling".
There are a number of other things, but I guess I'll leave it at that.
welcome to the site.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.