08-26-2014, 04:59 AM
Greetings Bob,
This is a gorgeous poem albeit bittersweet. The story and many of the images are lovely. I particularly love how the piece loops back upon itself.
My critique would be with a couple of the references. The Pranayama reference seems to be almost ‘shoe-horned in,’ for lack of a better term...
We arrange pranic chants,
till murmurs echo holy.
…but only because there is no connection to the ‘stones’ above or the ‘alchemy’ below, nor is it elaborated further. However, I could be missing something
(we readers usually are). Those stones might connect better with an implied alchemist’s stone without the intervening prana line.
Nonetheless, I do see a place for a religious/healing allusion in a lost love poem, should the loved one died of disease for instance.
Also, I can connect the ‘pranic chants’ quite readily to the ‘prairie wind’ and its ‘resurrects’ without the alchemy passage.
I have similar difficulties with the alchemy reference, especially with the use of the Arabic alchemist Khalid. It comes off a bit grafted on,
as we shift from eastern philosophy to middle-eastern alchemy. Additionally, if he is the Prince Khalid from the 700’s,
he predates the discovery of titanium in 1792 by over a thousand years later. Please correct me if I am wrong!
Finally, the leap from alchemy to the astronomy is a big one. On the other hand, your two planetary metaphors are exquisite.
Some of these potential issues could be addressed with minimal corrections, a few transitional lines and even some simple stanza breaks in my opinion.
See what you think.
Thank you for this superior post. I hope something in this critique helps you with your next edit. Good luck with it and welcome to the site.
Cheers/Chris
This is a gorgeous poem albeit bittersweet. The story and many of the images are lovely. I particularly love how the piece loops back upon itself.
My critique would be with a couple of the references. The Pranayama reference seems to be almost ‘shoe-horned in,’ for lack of a better term...
We arrange pranic chants,
till murmurs echo holy.
…but only because there is no connection to the ‘stones’ above or the ‘alchemy’ below, nor is it elaborated further. However, I could be missing something
(we readers usually are). Those stones might connect better with an implied alchemist’s stone without the intervening prana line.
Nonetheless, I do see a place for a religious/healing allusion in a lost love poem, should the loved one died of disease for instance.
Also, I can connect the ‘pranic chants’ quite readily to the ‘prairie wind’ and its ‘resurrects’ without the alchemy passage.
I have similar difficulties with the alchemy reference, especially with the use of the Arabic alchemist Khalid. It comes off a bit grafted on,
as we shift from eastern philosophy to middle-eastern alchemy. Additionally, if he is the Prince Khalid from the 700’s,
he predates the discovery of titanium in 1792 by over a thousand years later. Please correct me if I am wrong!
Finally, the leap from alchemy to the astronomy is a big one. On the other hand, your two planetary metaphors are exquisite.
Some of these potential issues could be addressed with minimal corrections, a few transitional lines and even some simple stanza breaks in my opinion.
See what you think.
Thank you for this superior post. I hope something in this critique helps you with your next edit. Good luck with it and welcome to the site.
Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris