Inside the mind of a puppy (My first poem)

[billy]

try and use as least small words as you can or rearrange so the don't feel like shots from a pentametric gun; two coma's in a line can have that effect
the meter is almost okay it just feels a little forced, you have lots of cliche phrases. (phrases that have been used numerous times by others) if you've heard a phrase the odds are so has everyone else. try and be original at all times. once you get to that stage you can introduce cliche as a device.
if you give intelligence to an animal, (speech) make it distinct, give it some character. he could call the chewed ball a [gnarly old bastard) so watch out for cliche and try not to force a line in order to fit the meter, find words that really add something (you won't be able to do it all the time but most of the time would be good enough.

Hi all.

I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry. Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn. Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize cliched latter part
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near

Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!