Inside the mind of a puppy (My first poem)

[tectak]

Hi all.

I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry. Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn. Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize Period. Dog or not
You fly through the air gently, now falling Period. Biscuit if you do
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies Tight ryhme and syllable count but some stumbling on soar/ING.Clever dog. Now read Leanne's "Basic Meter" advice.

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight. Oh come on. Punctuate, pup or I will not walk you. I can say that, as you obviously understand the concept of the arrow of time. Remarkable in one so young. You count syllables, too...but you need to understand emphases.Plenty of help on this site.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear Oh hell. A sentient ball. Whatever next.
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near Got it. If there are too many syllables in a line, leave out (a) word.

Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!

Hello,
Welcome. First of all, I suggest that you write someting else whilst your creative tide is on the rise. You will find a reticence from the crits to comment on this genre....and it is a genre with a standard list of problems which are tiredly rolled out until boredom overtakes.
To give the main reason why the thing fails you MUST realise that by using "words" you are already giving a reality beyond reason or acceptance to the "thinking" of a puppy...it is made more incongruous by the use of cliches and way-out concepts so far beyond the wildest "imaginings" of a young dog (or cat, tortoise, rabbit, giraffe) that one can only nod kindly at the content. So what we have here is a guy (you) pretending to be a puppy but without the mind of a puppy, then trying to write the "thoughts" which you, not the puppy, think that a puppy might have if it was a puppy blessed with vocabulary, nuance and cliche, conceptual thinking etc. As
I said...best forget it. Be a goldfish...here, I have written the first verse.
!
?
?
!
Tell me I am wrong.
Best,
tectak
By the by...I have tried this sort of thing. I failed.