08-19-2014, 04:56 AM
Hi KJ,
I agree with the others. It's just too wordy.
A sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds,
Carrying the weight from my shoulders.
Mountains surround me,
Watching, growing,
The wild winds are as still as the depths of ancient ice, (I don't get this line either way)
I'd take that last line off. As to why I propose this cut, I point you to an Irwin Shaw quote that I advise we all take to heart:
"The editors I had at the New Yorker quietly helped me in peculiar, small ways. One thing they taught me was the value of cutting out the last paragraph of stories, something I pass down as a tip to all writers. The last paragraph in which you tell what the story is about is almost always best left out."
I agree with the others. It's just too wordy.
A sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds,
Carrying the weight from my shoulders.
Mountains surround me,
Watching, growing,
The wild winds are as still as the depths of ancient ice, (I don't get this line either way)
I'd take that last line off. As to why I propose this cut, I point you to an Irwin Shaw quote that I advise we all take to heart:
"The editors I had at the New Yorker quietly helped me in peculiar, small ways. One thing they taught me was the value of cutting out the last paragraph of stories, something I pass down as a tip to all writers. The last paragraph in which you tell what the story is about is almost always best left out."