at present it reads as a weak poem. mainly due to excess wordage.
it feels a like i want to know more before getting to the 1st line. the 3rd line reads okay though a bit long. around me feels as though it's a given.
i'd like to see more depth and less of the tell the last line puts out.
it feels a like i want to know more before getting to the 1st line. the 3rd line reads okay though a bit long. around me feels as though it's a given.
i'd like to see more depth and less of the tell the last line puts out.
(08-18-2014, 08:17 AM)KerouacJack Wrote: In this peaceful moment a sigh of content cleanses my mind,
Lungs in harmony with the winds around me,
Carrying the weight from atop my shoulders.
Mountains patiently surround me,
Meditating, watching, growing,
The wild wild winds of time are as still as the depths of ancient ice,
Oh the beauty of being infinitely aware whilst endlessly insignificant .