August

[just mercedes]

Edit:

August

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off. I'll say it here and not again - but for me, after the first time, the 'bye by' sound added a childish note.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hands come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season I look for quotes or italics for reported speech
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between radio static Not sure if you can switch between static - I think this should be 'though'.
and swallowing pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body stumbles from a ledge. great imagery in this simile

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.For me, this line - you can say ... if you can - contradicts itself somehow

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
said, it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Keep going. The ghosts will be gone by morning. Strong finish


Original:

You can say goodbye by driving home with the radio off.

You can say goodbye by staring out at the moon,
remembering her cold hand come pumpkin carving time.

She said autumn is now my favorite season
because we spent all summer
smoking and staring at our shoes.

You can say goodbye by shifting between static
and swallowing a handful of sleeping pills
so you can fall onto the pillows
like a body might stumble from a ledge.

Goodbye, broken glass.

Goodbye, hand towels and carving knife.

You can say goodbye by writing if you can.

She said, Don’t worry about the night,
it was always too dark for me.
You’re thinking about this too much.
Buy a motor car. Drive somewhere far from me.
The ghosts will be gone by morning.

Hi - interesting poem, with a lot of great imagery. I like the way the stanzas are used, for blocks of thought. I can't work out your reasons for the indented lines though. I like the static being there - the end of a relationship is well described by this simple image. Out of focus, no longer tuned in.

You use a lot of gerunds though, and their sing-song sound tones down the feeling of the words for me. Short poem, so 'staring' twice and close together stood out too.

I like the intimate tone of your poem, and the 'you' swings nicely from being addressed to the reader to being addressed to the writer himself.