08-12-2014, 03:22 AM
This really needs punctuation. Not every line has to start with an uppercase letter. It was a little difficult to read at first.
Regarding the content of the poem, although I understood the gist of it I'm afraid I didn't understand what you were really trying to say. Perhaps you are being too vague, or perhaps I'm simply a little slow this morning.
Regarding the content of the poem, although I understood the gist of it I'm afraid I didn't understand what you were really trying to say. Perhaps you are being too vague, or perhaps I'm simply a little slow this morning.
Quote:The world awaits a war on wars Yes, I love peace, big fan!
A black flag as a declaration Why a black flag? White is a symbol for peace, but what does black stand for here?
To burn all flags and declarations Now I'm pretty sure you're talking about anarchy here, but now the black flag of L2 seems redundant. How does the first flag carry the message to burn all flags and declarations?
A friendship
Defending itself This seems vague. I think you're talking about the common interest each man has in being allies with each other.
A language before words This felt like it was a continuation of the last line and I don't know why it's in a new stanza. Furthermore, what is meant by "a language before words"? Words are pretty old, what came before them that constitutes a language? I'm not sure we can even separate language from words.
That can find unarmored hearts you can replace "that can" with "to". I'm not making the connection between peace, love, anarchy and "unarmored hearts" tbh.
In which to thrive and topple pillars
Of oppression and enslavement
And fear "and" is not necessary. Toppling pillars of oppression is cliche. I do like the message though. I certainly dislike enslavement, oppression and fear. I would enjoy seeing it annihilated in a more creative way; it has been toppled so many times before.
The world awaits a love armed
To create a state of sovereignty Okay... love will lead to sovereignty, what comes in between?
A weapon of mass liberation Waiting...
A bomb that bursts into
Flourishing moments Still waiting.....
You never tell us what happens! The ending leaves too many unanswered questions for me. I want to know what this weapon of liberation is or at least in what capacity it will function to liberate humanity.