Isabelle edit0.01 ella, billy

[tectak]

first off, it feels very very personal, that said i always treat it as non personal. it pulls the reader in and makes them feel part of scenario. while there are a couple of cliched lines or phrases i think they work well enough to stay. the only real thing that made me look twice were the [is's], after the poem starts with "if when we meet" at the 3rd line. is it wordy, yes very but the poem wouldn't be the poem if it was cut away. i did enjoy the read enough to read it a few more times before replying.

You need not beg for what I give you freely. Can you not recall
the vow we made, though in the past is where we now both find we live?

I will visit you, my love. If when we meet you smile then all
the world is lit by glimmered recognition. To see you give is there a tense mix up as it won't be [is] but [will be]
a glance my way, then say my name, your name for me, should the 2nd comma be a semi colonic?
is better than a thousand wishes granted on a dark, stark day; again the is throws me a bit
better than an ice-melt stream in this cruel desert destiny;
better than one precious breath when death has looked the other way;
better than the hiding hope that lives in sleep but dies each dawn. this is a great line that implies we/they remember life when they sleep.
Yet but for you, why must I wake? Can we not close our eyes and fall
together down soft steps of time, back to the place where love was born...
if you remember, say my name, in whispers, yes, and I will call not sure the split works that well here. a suggestion would be to move [you by] up to the end of this line.
you by my special name for you--just let me think, I know it well--
please do not cry, it hurts too much, my blue-eyed bird, my Isabelle. i almost have a tear in my eye.
tectak
2014

Thanks billy,
Work in progress methinks. No, not at all personal but certainly meant to fool you into the thought. I like this observational minutiae stuff.
I will take your comments on board as always.Oh, you missed the strict rhyme scheme. Good. That is encouraging
Best,
tectak