Ins and Outs of Dead Men on the Rivers of Isis (milo, billy)

[Truerenigma]

almost perfect true. the line change you made reads very well and as explained holds the sound for the reader to hear.
the fact isis and skiff are both used makes me think of the thames and possibly the plague though i know it's not the case but i can't help but think of it as so. nothing apart from the one nit and to tell you great vill

It may still need some work, but I think I've spent enough time away from it to run it through workshop it again. Tetrameter accredited to milo.



Ins and Outs of Dead Men on the Rivers of Isis

We wrap the bones in burlap - hide
our skeletons in sweat and blood
under the dust of our outsides.

Our heartbeat's thump is locked inside*
a storage unit with the crud.
We wrap the bones in burlap hide.

Our irises contract when eyed
gardenias drown and envies bud
under the dust of our outsides.

The rain exposes veins in slides
of rock, canyons, boneyards, mud.
We wrap the bones in burlap, hide

ourselves in weathered pelt applied
to vessels stoppered for the flood.
Under the dust of our outsides

the dead man dies again inside
a sack aboard a skiff, and scuds. how does he scud if he's dead inside a sack?
We wrap his bones in burlap, hide
under the dust of our outsides.

*first edit inline (from milo)

Thanks billy. I think an association with the Thames is inevitable for some and I'm glad the poem was able to meet you there.

"Under the dust of our outsides the dead man dies again inside a sack aboard a skiff, and scuds."

If you read through the enjambment here you can see that line is thrice removed from the possibility of anything literal. It could only be that the poem is concerned with some figurative representation of consciousness. It is not until the closing couplet and the /his/ shows up that we start thinking about any literal death or funeral rites.

I' m not sure if the problem is more the rhyme, or perhaps I'm still hanging on to some adolescent fascination with abstractions and romanticism. I'll think on it.

Thanks for the comments.