08-04-2014, 02:05 PM
Some of this feels forced and there's a lot of cliches. I felt the overall message of the poem and that was strong-- wondering where your future lover is right now, etc.
(08-04-2014, 03:55 AM)Smudge173 Wrote: "Right now I’m wondering, where are you now?Hope I helped.
you've said "right now" you don't need to repeat to the reader that you are wondering in the present tense. You could rephrase it "right now im wondering, where might you be" if you like.
Are we in the same country, or does fate not allow?
The second part was a forced rhyme, it doesn't sound natural and I'm not even sure what was trying to be said. What is fate not allowing?
Are we thousands of miles apart, or just round the corner?
All I’m sure of at this time, is that love has no border.
The first line is nice and simple, it deserves better than the cliche following it.
What are you doing now? Are you asleep or awake
The more I think about you, the more my heart begins to ache.
Verb confusion: "begins"
Is your mind free like a bird, with wind gushing through your wings
Or are you sat alone just like me, pondering the same things?
Do we have common interests? How about pastimes
Your enjoyment and happiness, will translate into mine.
Are we two peas in a pod, or just like white and black
try to express similarity between you and mystery person x in new and creative ways instead of falling back on cliches.
Because I’ve heard once or twice, that opposites attract.
I’m putting together who you are, but I’m missing a few pieces
Name, face, where you live, and especially your best features.
Features doesn't rhyme with pieces. It also seems forced.
Right now I’m wondering, when will we ever meet?
Are you a good friend of mine, or a stranger from the street?"
I thought the last two lines were some of the better lines in this poem. Because you used the word "ever" I feel the sense of longing to finally meet this person, and it ends the poem off well with playful curiosity; it's cool that you suggest you might already be friends with this person and not even know it!
Thanks for reading. I would appreciate any feedback.