08-03-2014, 12:04 AM
PB,
Unfortunately some of the lines the reader needs to understand the most, transmits the least amount of meaning, or none at all.
"Slumped along my back it was much like a rack." What was slumped along your back, and how whatever it is like a rack.
This is an example of purely forced rhyme.
"The bullies asked if I was thirsty for more.
I picked up the ores."
You mean rock, but you says ores, because it rhymes.
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Some of this I might be able to pull together and make some sense out of it, but that is not my job. In truth the title tells me more than the poem. I suspect you are suffering what we all suffer at some point, which is assuming that the reader knows as much as you, but he doesn't. Either through inability to write clearly, or simply not seeing you need to supply the reader more information, this conveys little. As you can see most everybody has commented about this. It might seem sensible to you, but that is because you have all the information.
Dale
Unfortunately some of the lines the reader needs to understand the most, transmits the least amount of meaning, or none at all.
"Slumped along my back it was much like a rack." What was slumped along your back, and how whatever it is like a rack.
This is an example of purely forced rhyme.
"The bullies asked if I was thirsty for more.
I picked up the ores."
You mean rock, but you says ores, because it rhymes.
________________________________________________
Some of this I might be able to pull together and make some sense out of it, but that is not my job. In truth the title tells me more than the poem. I suspect you are suffering what we all suffer at some point, which is assuming that the reader knows as much as you, but he doesn't. Either through inability to write clearly, or simply not seeing you need to supply the reader more information, this conveys little. As you can see most everybody has commented about this. It might seem sensible to you, but that is because you have all the information.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.