hi dwestmor and thanks for giving feedback elsewhere.
the poem;
it a common type of write for the early poet and better than many (though that isn't the same as being good
) i and most others have wrote similar poems.
in general the poem it's too wordy, it carries to much heart, fire, consumption, and hand holding and so struggles to hold the reader for very long. if i weren't giving feedback i'd have stopped at the first line.
beware the cliche and wasted words. (most of the words are wasted)
the poem as i see it and read it is,
i loved you but you didn't love me.
i can't love someone else for a while.
instead of telling the story straight out, use simile and metaphor, use alliteration and consonance etc. check out some of the devices here or use our flash cards at the lower end of the home page.
cliches are something to avoid, once you can spot them, you're able to use an odd one to your advantage, in general they're poem killers.
the poem;
it a common type of write for the early poet and better than many (though that isn't the same as being good
) i and most others have wrote similar poems.in general the poem it's too wordy, it carries to much heart, fire, consumption, and hand holding and so struggles to hold the reader for very long. if i weren't giving feedback i'd have stopped at the first line.
beware the cliche and wasted words. (most of the words are wasted)
the poem as i see it and read it is,
i loved you but you didn't love me.
i can't love someone else for a while.
instead of telling the story straight out, use simile and metaphor, use alliteration and consonance etc. check out some of the devices here or use our flash cards at the lower end of the home page.
cliches are something to avoid, once you can spot them, you're able to use an odd one to your advantage, in general they're poem killers.
(08-01-2014, 04:04 PM)dwestmor Wrote: Kind of emo and non traditional but I wrote it a few years ago and thought it would be a good idea to see what y'all thought:
how bright the flame:
The first time I saw you, I knew you would break my heart.
You look at me, I looked at you,
and oh yes I knew then.
So handsome and strong, I knew it couldn't last
You were too great, and I not enough
but I wanted you and my stupid heart didn't care for how long.
You held my hand and it felt like just you and me
It was only my hand, but really you held my heart.
You look at me and I could not breathe.
You kissed me and butterflies danced a rhythm on my chest.
So excited but I knew it was just the start.
So old, but it felt so new,
So new yet I felt so right,
and so right yet it felt so wrong.
I gave you my heart, my mind, all of me.
I trusted you, but you never trusted me.
Burned by your past, you held back,
And I, so new, didn't notice.
I gave you my heart before I realized you didn't want it.
Now it's too late, my heart goes with you.
How short the love but how bright the flame that consumed me.
Now I am but ashes and still it consumes me.