Losing the thread

[Dupuis]

calm in all its continuity I naturally pause here when I read this, so you might want to add some punctuation.
a loose thread through time
not taut

so easily slackens into
flickering shapes of
_____________unease
I don't have a problem with flickering. I don't like the use of "slackens" here however, it literally means "relax, or loosen" but you're using in the opposite manner. If this were my poem, I would have the thread tighten into stiff spines of unease in contrast to the looseness of calm. In the first stanza I already get an image of a thread gently "flickering" to depict calm so using that same image (only more violently) to depict unease is kind of confusing.

I like your idea of a string as a metaphor for calm, but think it could be better executed (you're free to disagree).

Just write for yourself, and if others like your stuff too, that's great. Otherwise you'll spend too much time worrying about how to please everyone but yourself. If someone offers you critique you like then use it, but if you disagree with it don't let it wrankle you. Welcome to the site.

I'm not rankled haha. I'm just legitimately amused by how differently others read the poem compared to my internal reading, and how obvious it is that the language is unclear once someone describes their reading of it. I am amused by myself here, not by the critiques, which are quite revealing for me.

A perfect example is the notion you bring up that, in keeping with the untaut thread as a metaphor for calm, it would make sense for a taut thread to represent the opposite of calm. It seems obvious now that you've mentioned it, and I find it amusing that while composing the poem it made sense to me that the counterpoint to a loose, untaut thread would be an even more slack thread.

The fact that I seem not to know the meaning of "continuity," "taut," "slacken," and "flicker" makes it pretty obvious to me that my words are not conveying anything remotely precise. Even if I am writing "for myself," that's something worth recognizing, so thanks again for the feedback!

Edit: I've put up a new version, curious to see if it conveys anything more precise than the original attempt. Still needs a new title, however.