Short Poem Derived From a Haiku Attempt

[ajcohen613]

I agree with Erthona that the first part of the poem could benefit from being tightened (perhaps even more than in your edit). For example, you convey that it is late at night in the first line, so perhaps it is unnecessary to mention it again in the second line. Similarly, the third line perfectly conveys that he has neglected his dinner, making the fifth line feel a bit redundant. The middle section could then be whittled down to something like:

Like a worried beagle,
he sits and eats,
his graceless slurping and shuffling loafers
heard in their bedroom.

Also a small point on punctuation (I am a bit sensitive about punctuation): in the two spots where you use a hyphen, you should really be using a dash.

I just joined the forum today, so I apologize if this criticism is overreaching in any way. I have yet to get a feel for the mores of the site.

Thanks for the critique. I've made some edits and am curious as to what you think.