Currently Untitled

[billy]

i enjoyed it apart from the third stanza which felt unnecessary. the 4th stanza was excellent.
thanks for the read

*Currently has no title, so if one comes to you please let me know. This was originally written in an uninspired slump and once the ball started rolling, well, this happened. All criticism is welcome!


I’m somewhere caught between inspiration
and crumpling up every idea I have. i like the opening couplet because it sets up the poets frame of mind.

In the middle of the day, I am at work slicing pizza
for a round man wearing a Van Halen tank top,
thinking about writing this poem, a suggestion would be [the] instead of [this]
ignoring the sweat on my forehead.

When there’s nothing of substance left,
I write about writing.
There are no rolling hills or vanquishing oceans
to afford my dim Word documents. not sure this stanza helps the poem at all. in fact i think it's a bit misleading in that it's to much of a juxtaposition and only a few lines long, it also feels in the wrong place in poem, if anything i think it best suited for the end.

There’s this girl I’ve exhausted with metaphors
and enjambed to the edge of a cliff these two lines are superb. specially the 2nd, it reeks of unrequited love
yet no lofty ode could satisfy what I wish to express
about the poison and the cure provided by her eyes.

Observing sad people in bland settings does not
push me to create like it should,
but causes me to feel upset at my lack of seasoning,
my lack of internal material.
Those sad wrinkled fingers should be the ones
writing my poems. not sure about the enjambment in this stanza would does not be better on the next line down, i think you can play around a lot with the enjambment in this stanza and create more of an experience for the reader. ie;

Observing sad people in bland settings
does not push me
to create like it should,
but causes me to feel upset
at my lack of seasoning,
my lack of internal material.

With an awkward amount time on my hands
and at the brink of a new best idea,
I default to the winds and hide in my head
like a hermit with the secret desire to know every
corner of this confounding world.