Short Poem Derived From a Haiku Attempt

[Magpie]

Hi, I like the edit that you have done here it has cleaned the poem up nicely.

I would just say briefly that when doing edits it best to alter your original post and putting the edited version first followed by the original. Here is a link to the bit explains it better than me.

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/announcements.php?aid=26

Also, I agree with Bena about this being a Haibun and it is well worth investigating Haibun as a possibility for the future.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haibun