Family Picnic

[tectak]

Family Picnic

Blood on his hands. all is opinion but comma here
Blood on his brow, no punctuation at this line end.
where he wears a fake thorn crown;
another in a long line of saviors. Your opening gambit is statemental and so keep it coralled. It is, or could be, a very nicely constructed sentence.
Blood on feet where spike
has been pounded; feet that
never will again touch ground.
Blood on his feet where
a spike has been pounded;
feet that will never again touch ground.

If he was a true savior, why There is now a complexity of meter which is not helped by precipitous enjambment. It seems, in fact, that you are going all out for point making at the expense of rhythm (not meter)
would he not heal his wounds
and come down, let his feet
walk upon the ground. Instead "Instead" is directed to/at who? "If he was a true saviour...instead hear him rant". And I am not at all sure about "rant".
listen to him rant,

Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? Frankly, in his position and belief this exactly what I would say....but it is not a rant or ranting.

The cry of another delusional idiot,
just like the hundreds, or
thousands before. Big with words,
big with dying, ultimately another
masochist with a martyr complex,
getting what he wants, if not what he deserves.
Another egoist, making a spectacle,
of his death, rather than quietly
hanging himself from a tree,
leaving a bag of silver to pay
for his burial expenses. This was becoming Simpsonian until you mixed up your character's oratorial abilities...delusional,ultimately,masochist, martyr, egoist, spectacle...then SLOB? No. Inconsistent.
Now that is a honorable man. an
Unlike this slob, who hasn’t one shekel to his name,
letting the state pick up all the expense. Is this what it's all about, Homer?

I bring the family and we picnic
on bread, fish and wine, sitting
on a speared out blanket, it’s the best speared or spread....has this been read?
entertainment in town. Pity
the one in the middle died so soon,
hardly before we had gotten sat down. This is good-ol'boys-round-the-campfire talk...before we had gotten sat down?
My son ask me, why this happens, My son asks me why this(?) happens. I answer,"Because they(strictly plural) claim to be a (strictly single)"...but there is acceptable form here. It's just awkward.
I respond, ”Because they claim
to be King, and there is no king
but Caesar. He holds life and death
in his hands, but what do these
men on these crosses hold? these these
They have nothing in they’re hands, Oh dear me. Are you unwell? You are not yourself. THEIR
as they squirm upon the tree."

I wonder which troublemaker
they will kill next week.
I hoped they do it upside down, "I had hoped" if referring to today's events, or "I hope.." if referring to next week's.
I’ve never seen a rock bleed.


–Erthona

©2014

Hi dale,
not your finest hour but you did say it was a first draft...well you can say it again. Conceptually I can read your "story-line" thinking but in terms of historical placement I cannot . This may not be a problem if the language was consistent with time and/or place but it seems off to me.
Best.
Tom