07-10-2014, 09:49 PM
Hi, loocerie, welcome.
While the simplicity has an appeal to it, for me there were some tripping points that kept the poem from coming together. Here are some notes:
While the simplicity has an appeal to it, for me there were some tripping points that kept the poem from coming together. Here are some notes:
(07-09-2014, 09:30 PM)loocerie Wrote: Steadfastly, time movesThis may be clearer to others, or you may want to tweak it. Thanks for posting, and again, welcome to the site.
in unwavering motions,
captured in clockworks.
I'm not a fan of motion coming on the heels of moves, I think you could probably come up with a more effective word here.
Understood in hours,
an unspoken history
marks the past.
What else would history do but mark the past, and if it's understood in hours, are you talking about just the last day? I don't understand your point here.
Days pass, unrelenting,
realizing the sadness
in golden sunsets.
The days realize the sadness? If the point is that time passing is sad, the poem hasn't told me why.
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