A hum in the red sky

[Alexearth]

I am approaching this without any assumptions.

I like the minimalism. This is like a short pastiche, some random images that somehow share context. That is ok in lieu of literal meaning or narrative..

A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around long dining table Though this is a minimalist piece, it would be more readable with the article "a" included.

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers
in silent madness I think you could lose this prepositional phrase. It feels trite, or like an add on. And how can a lawn suffer madness? A clumsy use of personification..

terrible sights of deathless track homes "terrible sights" is implied. You could lose it.

curtains stir where
rifts form Perfect..very intriguing phrase.

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags A turning point in the poem..compelling.

always a plot and a parallel romance
he runs to the cities
he has bigger visions Good. Maybe it should be tightened up a little.

suggested edit..

A hum in the red sky

detached people quiet
around a long dining table

front yards at day
St-Augustine lawn shivers

deathless track homes

curtains stir where
rifts form

he opens the trunk and puts in the bags

always a plot
and parallel romance

he runs to cities
with bigger visions

Nice edit. For "shivers in silent madness" I wanted to describe in which way they the grass was shivering, to accentuate the atmosphere. Would you have a suggestion to replace "madness", for a better personification?
Also for the "terrible sights", I was imagining this like the flickering of images like we can see in the beginning of movies if you know what I mean.. Thanks for your help!


Alex