Real Girl

[tectak]

Real Girl
Hello BJ,
This is familiar but handled rather well. It must be said that the retro capitalising of lines is not just confusing but out of context with the modernity of the piece. Apart from the over-dramatic use of stage-direction " A dark and stormy night. The lights flicker and a wind blows through the old house.....blah blah" you achieve what you set out to achieve. The poetic ethos only surfaces to breathe intermittently, but it is as though the effort of writing whilst beneath the surface determines how often. Little gasps of rhyme seem to follow on from wordy breathless prose...but even this is not consistent. Yes. That is where I feel my discomfort...the thing lacks consistency; unless you consider consistent inconsistencty to be a virtue. Line by line follows but it will dismissed as restrictive criticism of "free verse", whatever that is this week
Best,
tectak
Dark night in a futurescape,
Only one room, no lights, with no escape. covered
The sound of ambience could be heard over A slave to assonance. I have no way of visualising what you think this means. It would work just as well if it made sense instead of pseudo-profundity creeping in. The sound of the ambulance could be heard over the sound of ambience. Too much contrivance.
    the sound of the ambulance.
Real girl, you have me in your trance.
Tell me, is this fate?
I see the dim red light shining through your corset,
Recording in your forehead, the two of us on floor beds.
"It doesn't matter what you're wearing,"
    I said in whispers as you're whirring.
"But does it matter who I'm wearing,"
    she replied, glowing all red.
In the top floor suite of a hotel left in ruins. This is not a sentence and it so easily could be
Drones overhead, snapping pictures of what we're doing,
Live-streaming missionary in a city of no missionaries. Helter-skelter staccato clipping only works for a while or forever...but you randomise and so change intent just as this reader is settling in for the long haul. It is wearing and so contrived.
A worldwide audience, online for the viewing.
Red and blue lights glaring, sirens echo through the morning,
Raiding rooms below us, hearing nothing but your moaning.
Flashlights piercing through the darkness of our fantasy,
Through the corridors of crime.
Excuse us for not mourning.
Rain drops pouring by the window as it vibrates
    from the music bass pounding - the illusion that we're quiet.
Posthuman primates in a drug infested complex,
Eyes caught in contact as our pupils start to dilate.
Sweeper 'bots knock at our door that is locked, Ah. See. Here, right now, you suddenly stop gerunding about and go all present on me. Tense shifting will now be tried. I am surprised that shape-shifting hasn't altered the form...but there is time yet
Oblivious to the fact that our bodies have it blocked.
Caught in haste, our ways leave the windows
    in a state of haze, with minds so dazed
        we negate the hallways ablaze. Ghastly. May the force be with you. To rhyme or not to rhyme
The sprinklers turn on, windows transparent from opaque,
As the door hinges break from the strength of our bodies' weight.
Artificial love is the dance that we are waging,
Real girl never slowing down,
Pure energy, no breaks/brakes. Unnecessary after thought and infra dig to boot.
As the fire dissipates, the ad light shines through the hallway. AN ad light. "The" is definitive and you have not defined yet.
"A sale on teledildonics," it says, Now you have but too late
Oh, what corporate foreplay. Great line. Correct the punctuation around it to give it space
Drones still viewing through the now open doorway,
Airing a social media gourmet of our risqué soirée.
Dreamstate fantasies now merge with our reality.
Our sinful night now growing short,
Oh, sweet cyber blasphemy.
We make our way downstairs, through the chaos of our everyday,
In the background only sounds of lustful cybernetic threeways.
For today, we say, was a night of futuristic artistry,
Circuitry mixed with anarchy, in a world opposed to chastity.
You may vanish when I exit, real girl of my dreams,
But when I return, so will you -
Alive in the beams, pure energy. A great end to an overall enjoyable piece. Well done.
Best,
tectak

[Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=qe7ed6vrHJ8]