07-01-2014, 11:25 AM
I liked the poem, but it certainly needs working on. As others have noted, the rhymes seem almost forced.
Simplicity is also a hard feature to really enjoy, at least for me. Some poems sound great under simplistic rhyme schemes, but then it also doesn't hurt to try some wordplay, and perhaps elongating your sentences to keep the mind pumping.
Remember, not all poetry needs to adhere to the 4-lines-per-stanza cliché. Hell, not all poems necessitate stanzas at all. Try having your poetry flirt with unorthodox methods. See how they play out over time. Good luck!
Simplicity is also a hard feature to really enjoy, at least for me. Some poems sound great under simplistic rhyme schemes, but then it also doesn't hurt to try some wordplay, and perhaps elongating your sentences to keep the mind pumping.
Remember, not all poetry needs to adhere to the 4-lines-per-stanza cliché. Hell, not all poems necessitate stanzas at all. Try having your poetry flirt with unorthodox methods. See how they play out over time. Good luck!