06-29-2014, 06:28 AM
I won't respond to everything but I did want to hit on a few points that were posted about.
Jwrite: You can keep picturing me penciling it out in my cowboy boots, that is what I always wear and I certainly was when writing this. I did think long on whether or not I should have any hints of old english in there at all, and I thought about removing it all together but it worked well for me where I used it in keeping each line at seven syllables - something I'm finding out isn't required. I did remove an instance of b'neath before posting it! I should have kept going.
Brownlie: I'm not sure I get your magnets reference and I don't know what a meme is. Could you specify more into what you're saying by that, was it just the presence of a question in the poetry or one with such an obvious answer? That said, thank you for your advice on the glaring rhymes and the archaic words. As I mentioned above, I was torn on including them at all, they fell into place as a way to make the meter work. Or what I thought was working meter. Using words for that reason is something I'm going to have to watch out for, because it seems easy for me to do.
Tectak: COULD YOU BE ANY MORE OF AN ARSEHOLE?
..I'm just kidding, truly. Though everyone's feedback has been helpful, I think yours will help me to refine this piece the best. It was very clear (unlike my poem). The only thing that I would disagree with is the why wouldn't a lady gaze bit. I wanted to represent the moon as a demure lady that was too shy to watch the lover's wholly but too thrilled by the act to look away completely. Representing the moon in that way might be cliche, but it was central to the idea that I based this around, that the phases of the moon are no product of mathematics or science but of the actions of those below her, in this case a pair of lovers that have her attention. When I rewrite this piece eventually I will do my best to make this more clear without the reader having to dig through the words to divine the meaning.
Thank you again to everyone who has responded and given feedback to this. I am still very new and I appreciate the time you've put into helping me to get better. I have a lot to learn, and I'm even still learning how much I have to still learn. Know that I am taking into consideration even the points you've made that I did not directly respond to here.
Jwrite: You can keep picturing me penciling it out in my cowboy boots, that is what I always wear and I certainly was when writing this. I did think long on whether or not I should have any hints of old english in there at all, and I thought about removing it all together but it worked well for me where I used it in keeping each line at seven syllables - something I'm finding out isn't required. I did remove an instance of b'neath before posting it! I should have kept going.
Brownlie: I'm not sure I get your magnets reference and I don't know what a meme is. Could you specify more into what you're saying by that, was it just the presence of a question in the poetry or one with such an obvious answer? That said, thank you for your advice on the glaring rhymes and the archaic words. As I mentioned above, I was torn on including them at all, they fell into place as a way to make the meter work. Or what I thought was working meter. Using words for that reason is something I'm going to have to watch out for, because it seems easy for me to do.
Tectak: COULD YOU BE ANY MORE OF AN ARSEHOLE?
..I'm just kidding, truly. Though everyone's feedback has been helpful, I think yours will help me to refine this piece the best. It was very clear (unlike my poem). The only thing that I would disagree with is the why wouldn't a lady gaze bit. I wanted to represent the moon as a demure lady that was too shy to watch the lover's wholly but too thrilled by the act to look away completely. Representing the moon in that way might be cliche, but it was central to the idea that I based this around, that the phases of the moon are no product of mathematics or science but of the actions of those below her, in this case a pair of lovers that have her attention. When I rewrite this piece eventually I will do my best to make this more clear without the reader having to dig through the words to divine the meaning.
Thank you again to everyone who has responded and given feedback to this. I am still very new and I appreciate the time you've put into helping me to get better. I have a lot to learn, and I'm even still learning how much I have to still learn. Know that I am taking into consideration even the points you've made that I did not directly respond to here.
“The writing of poetry is a chancy business, it's currency solitude and loss, its tools coffee and too much wine, its hours midnight, dawn, and dusk, and unlike other trade the hours asleep are not time off.” - Keith Miller, The Book of Flying