Shadow's Embrace

[billy]

if using rhyme, make them all work or they all fail.
the other thing that really lets it down is the meter.

you start off with lines of 6,6,7. syllables
try and keep that a constant. at the moment it feels too ambiguous, give the reader something solid if only in a couple of lines.

When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines. i have to admit to like the 1st two lines but can't understand the 3rd one.

When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.

In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.

Choose emptiness and you will find Her.