06-27-2014, 11:22 AM
good effort though it needs working on.
is it good whose being spoken to? if so why call him sir, would sire or something else work better. from faith, and water i either get jonah and the whale or noah. if it is about one of them, make it less ambiguous and give clearer pointers. mention a name.
the rouble with hearing a song and reading text is that the reader unless he knows the tune, can't stretch the words as a voice can, because of this meter and rhythm really do play a role. take a look here; for basic meter and here to see how it's best used.
hopefully others will give you a few pointers with word usage etc.
is it good whose being spoken to? if so why call him sir, would sire or something else work better. from faith, and water i either get jonah and the whale or noah. if it is about one of them, make it less ambiguous and give clearer pointers. mention a name.
the rouble with hearing a song and reading text is that the reader unless he knows the tune, can't stretch the words as a voice can, because of this meter and rhythm really do play a role. take a look here; for basic meter and here to see how it's best used.
hopefully others will give you a few pointers with word usage etc.
(06-27-2014, 12:44 AM)stajas Wrote: Soo.. Hello! I'm new here, and this is my very first post. Yay!
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Please, Sir, put us to the test again.
Make us swim and cry for leaving.
Make us take up our faith and bargain.
But don't forgive us for decieving. deceiving
Make the moon pull up the water,
Engulf us with your watery sheets.
Please send us some holy martyr,
To punish for supposed feats.
Dear Sir, are you dozing off?
'Cause everything's getting outta hand.
Or have you given up on us yet?
I think I'd actually understand.
Gimme chaos, Gimme mayhem,
Treat me on the easy way,
Take my lead and start to condemn,
Throw the failing society away..
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Looking forward to your responses
