Cavelight

[Keith]

Hi TTL You have some interesting images here but some of the lines need pairing back to really bring out the meaning. I have left some comments below. But I feel you have something here that is worth working on. Best Keith

I think there is something here but it needs an overhaul. I hope it is an enjoyable read as is, but I'm very open to direction as I feel it's a little self-indulgent. Thanks.

Cavelight

Suddenly light,
through an impossible crack,
narrowly dissecting incumbent shadows
and igniting paradigms
with laser concentration.

S1 You capture the burst of light well not sure about paradigms or impossible in this context but it could just be me.

Suddenly hope,
trucking in like Bigfoot,
muddying our floors, brash and uninvited,
where we don't usually entertain fabled notions
at the same bar where loss comes to drink.

S2 the best stanza for me, the last two lines could be reduced.

Suddenly song,
above monotonous doubt and the static of hurt;
above tomorrow’s mumbling voices
and yesterday’s rumbling clouds,
clapping thunder for another encore

S3 this feels outside, some nice lines but what happened to the cavelight oris it some kind of liberation a rising above ground ?

Suddenly choice,
where decisions were decidedly made
by enduring ghosts, now frustrated and grey,
now exhausted and suddenly spooked
by light and hope and song

S4 Is a little confusing but again you have some interesting word choices that keep the reader interested, the last line sounds a bit Hey Nonny No.

Or suddenly dark,
and we won't be asked again to refract colour
or listen for echoes in painted caves.
We won't be asked again to stream through an impossible crack
to dissect any of it.

S5 this stanza needs the most work for me, it only repeats what we know by saying that dark prevents us from having it, and there is that impossible crack again.