You're Leaving Home

[Keith]

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron, I liked the first 2 lines so much it took me awhile to move on.
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft. Something about this line doesn't sit right for me. It's almost abstract and marketable mixed wrong. Probably your favorite line. Sorry.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,Assuming you meant this to be a new sentence, I read the last lines several ways. Is the subject "a landing spot" or "a tree"? I wonder if "want it to be" would fix my read. Just an awkward sentence for me.
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

Great read Keith, thank you. The first 4-6 lines are very strong in particular. I learned from this one. Cheers. -Paul

Many thanks TTL the WoW reference was about doing anything except study but I can see what you mean and I agree it needs a look at. Thank you for the feedback and I will use all in the edit. Best Keith

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the warcraft line should probably be changed, yeah

Yeah it probably will be.