06-25-2014, 04:23 AM
I love this poem! It brings back many Sunday mornings from my childhood and how I couldn't have cared less about being at church. It may be stronger divided into a few stanzas and, as mentioned above, it's hard to tell a child is narrating till the very end. Also, editing may need to be done to this:
My mother’s heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew
First, it states your mom is on her knees praying. After, it makes it clear you're on a pew. No one gets on their knees on a pew, so this doesn't make sense unless you're mom's in the aisle or something and not next to you. But, that would be unusual.
Those were the only critiques I could come up with. Again, I love this poem. Hope you keep working on it. Best of luck!
My mother’s heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew
First, it states your mom is on her knees praying. After, it makes it clear you're on a pew. No one gets on their knees on a pew, so this doesn't make sense unless you're mom's in the aisle or something and not next to you. But, that would be unusual.
Those were the only critiques I could come up with. Again, I love this poem. Hope you keep working on it. Best of luck!