Derailed

[Tiger the Lion]

Been juggling the bones of this too long.


Derailed -- I feel like you should put something about night train in here. I once heard a guy say he liked it because it had a twist off cap.

A morning stretch, -- I think your poem suffers from a lack of concrete nouns. You may want to make a list of all the physical details you see.[/b
through malaise, -- [b]What does this tell us about malaise?
hung over,

recounting: -- I feel a list of concrete details would make the poem more powerful.

a derailed night, -- The figurative use of derailed has been used quite a bit.

spent wading,
in deep brown eyes,
bottomless stout -- I like that you relate brown eyes to stout which is brown in color.

and chocolate fountains. -- I'm not so sure about chocolate fountains my mind wanders towards the scatological.

I lost my train of thought,
at least
three
stops -- Three stops is interesting, but maybe you could elaborate on how you not only lost your train of thought (which is a cliché) but how you lost it in three stops.
before that dark decadence.

Somewhere in that dark,
I lost my train of thought.

Well, I think I can definitely relate to your point, but you use some clichés and a lot of abstractions that I feel may be more effective in the form of concrete nouns. Hope that helps.

Thanks Brownlie, for the read and the honest crit. You are right about my abstracts/cliches. It's a writing habit I'm trying to work through. I seem to lean toward propping up an abstract with a cliche. Concrete nouns, concrete nouns... I'll figure it out.
Sorry for dragging you through a scatological moment. Unintentional.
Thanks again. - Paul