KerPlunk

[poe]

[quote='Wjames' pid='167778' dateline='1403151824']

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;"on down" is more Kerplunk, otherwise I agree "back down" is stronger.
it hit a rock and then a twig Also agree, you could find a tougher bumper than twig. How about a log instead of a twig, and that gives some assonance.
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar[b]something specific, rather than "before" maybe--He took a drink at Dooley's Bar. eg.I'm inclined to the idea of "Dooley's bar" or where have you, instead of "before".
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind
then woke up next to her.[/quote
Nice Kerplunk ending. The ending brought forth a chuckle. Not bad.

Thanks for posting wjames. I enjoyed this one. - Paul

Thanks for the post. I enjoyed this one as well.

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[quote='Tiger the Lion' pid='167821' dateline='1403234521']
[quote='Wjames' pid='167778' dateline='1403151824']

He set the ball atop the hill
and watched it roll on down;"on down" is more Kerplunk, otherwise I agree "back down" is stronger.
it hit a rock and then a twig Also agree, you could find a tougher bumper than twig.
then stopped on flatter ground.

He took a drink before the bar[b]something specific, rather than "before" maybe--He took a drink at Dooley's Bar. eg.
and watched his vision blur;
he bounced around inside his mind

then woke up next to her.[/quote
Nice Kerplunk ending.

Thanks for posting wjames. I enjoyed this one. - Paul

How about a log instead of a twig? That gives some assonance.

The ending brought forth a chuckle. Not bad.