06-22-2014, 02:11 AM
I didn't write this with Sisyphus in mind (I hadn't heard of him), but it does add an interesting twist about inevitability to this one. I might switch "on" to "back" in order to flesh out that metaphor, but I'm not sure about that (mainly because I hadn't even heard of Sisyphus when I wrote it).
"Before" was talking about having a drink before going to the bar (not in front of), which I think was the reason I thought "watched his vision blur" would work, because he was still sober when he had that first drink. I still might try to clarify that a bit. It might be worth changing twig to something more substantial as well.
I don't have a problem with all the then's and the and's in the first stanza, so I'll leave that as is for now.
Thanks for the help everyone.
"Before" was talking about having a drink before going to the bar (not in front of), which I think was the reason I thought "watched his vision blur" would work, because he was still sober when he had that first drink. I still might try to clarify that a bit. It might be worth changing twig to something more substantial as well.
I don't have a problem with all the then's and the and's in the first stanza, so I'll leave that as is for now.
Thanks for the help everyone.