06-18-2014, 01:41 AM
Hello Jimmy,
I see the point that you are trying to make herein. However, your poem seems to have some ambivalence or ambiguity with the theme. For example, I think you have your opening line inverted; it’s really sporting Brazilians that don’t pity the starving ones. In fact, that is the more poignant reality.
Most sports stadiums are built in the poorer areas within cities throughout the world. However, it is with hope that it revitalizes the neighborhood with jobs, customers for street venders and souvenir hawkers, etc. It also provides the city with income to aid the less fortunate. I am not claiming they are successful in doing so.
If those children learned their letters, they could spare some of that blood spilling. Not only do those thugs have 45s, but they usually have cell phones, bling, beepers, etc. If efforts focused on criminal activity, personal greed and contempt were applied towards the community all would be better off.
By the way, why are the legitimate venders considered predators and the tourists their prey? It’s a mutual exchange.
I don’t mind political argument in poetry, but the rationale needs to be there to support one’s slant. I think this may fare better by contrasting the rich that attend the soccer games, their cars, clothing homes, etc with those of the poor outside the stadiums. Having said that, I think you need to reconcile all of the impoverished that attend these games via general admission tickets. Some of the same also tear down the bleachers, cause then to collapse or riot pending their team of interest’s outcome.
It’s difficult to define and solve a socioeconomic problem in a poem, isn't it? Nonetheless, I am impressed by your noble attempt herein. You should also provoke a lot of feedback with your theme, which is always good. Good luck with your next edit./Chris
I see the point that you are trying to make herein. However, your poem seems to have some ambivalence or ambiguity with the theme. For example, I think you have your opening line inverted; it’s really sporting Brazilians that don’t pity the starving ones. In fact, that is the more poignant reality.
Most sports stadiums are built in the poorer areas within cities throughout the world. However, it is with hope that it revitalizes the neighborhood with jobs, customers for street venders and souvenir hawkers, etc. It also provides the city with income to aid the less fortunate. I am not claiming they are successful in doing so.
If those children learned their letters, they could spare some of that blood spilling. Not only do those thugs have 45s, but they usually have cell phones, bling, beepers, etc. If efforts focused on criminal activity, personal greed and contempt were applied towards the community all would be better off.
By the way, why are the legitimate venders considered predators and the tourists their prey? It’s a mutual exchange.
I don’t mind political argument in poetry, but the rationale needs to be there to support one’s slant. I think this may fare better by contrasting the rich that attend the soccer games, their cars, clothing homes, etc with those of the poor outside the stadiums. Having said that, I think you need to reconcile all of the impoverished that attend these games via general admission tickets. Some of the same also tear down the bleachers, cause then to collapse or riot pending their team of interest’s outcome.
It’s difficult to define and solve a socioeconomic problem in a poem, isn't it? Nonetheless, I am impressed by your noble attempt herein. You should also provoke a lot of feedback with your theme, which is always good. Good luck with your next edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris