06-17-2014, 10:24 PM
TTL, Great title and I like your little poem that speaks volumes.
Would ‘while’ play any better than ‘and yet’ (I'm not sure)? You don’t need the comma after time. ‘Just’ is always a bit weak, why not ‘our’? Could you make it more personal by saying,: ‘I want everyday to be yesterday…’ Perhaps, ‘I would never deflate entirely,…’ ‘still’ is another ‘ify’ like 'just'. Maybe, …to be breathe deeply’ or ‘take deep breaths.’
As for the packaging, you could try to center align it into a funnel cloud. Let me try it, if I could be so bold to play with the shape:
I like concrete poems, see what you think. (Thanks for all the kind help with my work)/Chris
Would ‘while’ play any better than ‘and yet’ (I'm not sure)? You don’t need the comma after time. ‘Just’ is always a bit weak, why not ‘our’? Could you make it more personal by saying,: ‘I want everyday to be yesterday…’ Perhaps, ‘I would never deflate entirely,…’ ‘still’ is another ‘ify’ like 'just'. Maybe, …to be breathe deeply’ or ‘take deep breaths.’
As for the packaging, you could try to center align it into a funnel cloud. Let me try it, if I could be so bold to play with the shape:
Winded
Deflating and yet celebrating
the manic time that was our
yesterday, and I want each
day to be like yesterday,
as I would never deflate
entirely, not while
you inspire me
to take deep
breaths.
Deflating and yet celebrating
the manic time that was our
yesterday, and I want each
day to be like yesterday,
as I would never deflate
entirely, not while
you inspire me
to take deep
breaths.
I like concrete poems, see what you think. (Thanks for all the kind help with my work)/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris