06-12-2014, 11:57 AM
This starts very well (I really like the first two stanzas), but begins to loose me on the rock-plant-animal thing. I really have no idea what that is supposed to mean. I thought at first you were equating rock with ice, but that doesn't really seem to be where it is going. I too was a bartender for awhile, and most of this does not seem very obvious to me.
I can't say this image helps what you are describing, but does not seem necessary to interject the narrative explanation of "to her".
maybe
"One girl leaves her grief in the car;
it is no more than foreskin
on a soft-skinned pear."
I get the anger at drinkers, as many are not that pleasant, but I'm not really sure that the self-righteousness really benefits the poem.
As this is in Mild Critique I'll stop there.
Dale
I can't say this image helps what you are describing, but does not seem necessary to interject the narrative explanation of "to her".
maybe
"One girl leaves her grief in the car;
it is no more than foreskin
on a soft-skinned pear."
I get the anger at drinkers, as many are not that pleasant, but I'm not really sure that the self-righteousness really benefits the poem.
As this is in Mild Critique I'll stop there.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.