06-11-2014, 09:16 PM
justcloudy, I remember this being a favorite during the ‘prayer’ challenge day of NaPM. My offering that day was just plain silly. It’s probably because I don’t pray and I am really empathizing with the coloring child. I think you need commas after time and neck in this particular edit. Your first line is rather ‘and-y’. You may want to consider a comma after wine and eliminating the one thereafter. You may not need the one before candles either. Of course that may make the line too ‘comma-y’. 
To me is was unclear whether ‘mine’ referred to head, knees, chin, etc. I believe the original was ‘my head’ and it was more visual and child-esque. I wonder if you really need ‘continue with my crayons’. It imparts that slight inversion. Additionally, it may be more poignant with …turn around to color… See what you think. Love the contrast between mother and child herein. Good luck with your edit, Cheers/Chris
To me is was unclear whether ‘mine’ referred to head, knees, chin, etc. I believe the original was ‘my head’ and it was more visual and child-esque. I wonder if you really need ‘continue with my crayons’. It imparts that slight inversion. Additionally, it may be more poignant with …turn around to color… See what you think. Love the contrast between mother and child herein. Good luck with your edit, Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris