06-11-2014, 12:11 AM
It also takes me most of the poem to figure out that the speaker is a child. I get a hint of it when the speaker imitates the mother, and then it's clear in the last three lines. Re-reading the poem I can see it in the descriptions a little bit, because it's definitely from the point of view of a speaker who is not yet emotionally invested, or totally emotionally invested, in the scene. That could be a child brought to mass by their parents, but it could also be an adult going to mass to fulfill some family obligation or personal curiosity, watching not as someone who is wrapped up in the ritual but as a detatched observer.
Do you want the identity of the speaker to be a surprise until near the end of the poem? Should we hear a child's voice throughout the poem?
I like the image at the end of the poem. It's definitely the payoff, a hint of irony or passion in a poem where most is straightforward description. I like that it leaves us hanging a little bit, I think. The more I look at the end of the poem, the more ways I see to interpret it. The red crayon as the blood of Christ. Or the pain of the mother that she's praying about. Maybe the way the symbolism of the church has seeped into the speaker's mind, so it comes through in bored, unconscious coloring even without much intent. Anyway, if that's the intent of that last image, awesome. If you didn't intend the poem to be so open ended then some revision might be in order, some way of guiding the reader to what you want to say through that final image, maybe some way to color it with a particular point of view or emotion.
I like rowens' suggestion for the wording of the end of the poem, it makes the sentence a little easier for me to read.
Do you want the identity of the speaker to be a surprise until near the end of the poem? Should we hear a child's voice throughout the poem?
I like the image at the end of the poem. It's definitely the payoff, a hint of irony or passion in a poem where most is straightforward description. I like that it leaves us hanging a little bit, I think. The more I look at the end of the poem, the more ways I see to interpret it. The red crayon as the blood of Christ. Or the pain of the mother that she's praying about. Maybe the way the symbolism of the church has seeped into the speaker's mind, so it comes through in bored, unconscious coloring even without much intent. Anyway, if that's the intent of that last image, awesome. If you didn't intend the poem to be so open ended then some revision might be in order, some way of guiding the reader to what you want to say through that final image, maybe some way to color it with a particular point of view or emotion.
I like rowens' suggestion for the wording of the end of the poem, it makes the sentence a little easier for me to read.