06-09-2014, 12:26 PM
Hi welcome to the site,
Asunder means "in pieces", as such it seems a forced rhyme, and the ember/remember is a little trite, especially as the phrase "dying ember" is already cliche. Awkward use of the word "preluding" especially as there seems no connection between "melancholy mist" and "the rise of the sun". Do the trees remember battles they lost and won, or someone else lost and won. I'm not sure what the poem has to do with the conclusion, "There’s been a hero in your life all along the hero is really you," not to mention that whole "wind beneath my wings" thing has been pretty overworked.
"Did you ever know you were my hero?"
Not to mention the whole self assertion/self esteem therapy deal.
What's the deal with the on again, off again punctuation? Can you give me a good reason to not capitalize "I"? Sure, you can go against the norm, but there has to be a solid rationale for it, or else it is just affectation.
On the positive side you write clearly, and rhyme fairly well.
best,
Dale
Asunder means "in pieces", as such it seems a forced rhyme, and the ember/remember is a little trite, especially as the phrase "dying ember" is already cliche. Awkward use of the word "preluding" especially as there seems no connection between "melancholy mist" and "the rise of the sun". Do the trees remember battles they lost and won, or someone else lost and won. I'm not sure what the poem has to do with the conclusion, "There’s been a hero in your life all along the hero is really you," not to mention that whole "wind beneath my wings" thing has been pretty overworked.
"Did you ever know you were my hero?"
Not to mention the whole self assertion/self esteem therapy deal.
What's the deal with the on again, off again punctuation? Can you give me a good reason to not capitalize "I"? Sure, you can go against the norm, but there has to be a solid rationale for it, or else it is just affectation.
On the positive side you write clearly, and rhyme fairly well.
best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.