Days End

[Tiger the Lion]

Posted the wrong version of this yesterday. Think I deleted it OK. My apologies if this is a duplicate.

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly,
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror,
While I have them still,
To witness more.

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Hi; I'm sorry to be dense but are you talking about "end times"; and the significance of 300? Thanks, Loretta

Hi Loretta. I'm quite sure you're not dense. On one level the poem is about "end times", but only for those who believe in that particular war. "300 days in" is meant as a milestone of sorts, for someone who may be on a year long tour of duty. Glad to be still breathing, but still breathing those days in (or make sense of them) Thank you for reading and commenting, Paul

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Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in. Maybe a comma instead of a full stop here.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly, "he" is short and sweet but is lacking in images and details. It works but maybe something more descriptive could work better, I'm not sure.
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror, These next 3 lines feel like they are begging for a rewrite. "Horror" is a pretty vague abstraction, but again it is short n sweet so it depends on what your vision for the poem is.
While I have them still, this one especially could pack a lot more punch than it does currently. Don't just talk about the eyes but use them to show us something.
To witness more.


Hi there Tiger,

As rowens said, this is a bit disjointed but that feel seems right. A few thoughts above. I don't like giving specific suggestions because it's your poem, but if you need me to elaborate on anything above I can.

It's pretty powerful as it is, but with a bit of tweaking it really could be gut-wrenching.

Looking fwd to an edit.

-justcloudy

Thanks justcloudy. I appreciate the encouragement and the constructiveness of your crit. I am open to specific suggestions once I've digested all the crits fully. And look forward to that when I'm ready to rewrite. I agree the second last line is not quite right. I am asking that line to tie a lot together and have had trouble doing it eloquently.