06-09-2014, 01:57 AM
This seems O.K. to me. The few ideas I have are:
Dressed in purple robes this time
stiff scarf draped round his neck
he chants the sacred words
above some bread and wine
and takes predetermined steps
around a table, chairs and candles.
Maybe just: around table, chairs and candles.
My mother’s heavy on her knees,
Maybe: My mother, heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew,
till I get bored and turn around
continue with my crayons
to color Jesus red.
The last part sounds like something you would write. I don't think it's bad. It might be best for you to keep it that way.
There are a couple suggestions I have. One example is:
till I get bored and turn around,
continuing to color Jesus red
with my crayons.
But that's one suggestion. You have what you have, and your own ideas.
Dressed in purple robes this time
stiff scarf draped round his neck
he chants the sacred words
above some bread and wine
and takes predetermined steps
around a table, chairs and candles.
Maybe just: around table, chairs and candles.
My mother’s heavy on her knees,
Maybe: My mother, heavy on her knees,
chin to chest and forehead lined.
I imitate, mine bumping
into the back of the next pew,
till I get bored and turn around
continue with my crayons
to color Jesus red.
The last part sounds like something you would write. I don't think it's bad. It might be best for you to keep it that way.
There are a couple suggestions I have. One example is:
till I get bored and turn around,
continuing to color Jesus red
with my crayons.
But that's one suggestion. You have what you have, and your own ideas.