Days End

[justcloudy]

Days End

Any decent war movie oughta make you sick to your stomach.
I'm still breathing 300 days in. Maybe a comma instead of a full stop here.
But I know the odds, and the ends.
He is coming quickly, "he" is short and sweet but is lacking in images and details. It works but maybe something more descriptive could work better, I'm not sure.
And I'm ashamed to close my eyes to the horror, These next 3 lines feel like they are begging for a rewrite. "Horror" is a pretty vague abstraction, but again it is short n sweet so it depends on what your vision for the poem is.
While I have them still, this one especially could pack a lot more punch than it does currently. Don't just talk about the eyes but use them to show us something.
To witness more.


Hi there Tiger,

As rowens said, this is a bit disjointed but that feel seems right. A few thoughts above. I don't like giving specific suggestions because it's your poem, but if you need me to elaborate on anything above I can.

It's pretty powerful as it is, but with a bit of tweaking it really could be gut-wrenching.

Looking fwd to an edit.

-justcloudy