The Red Couch

[LorettaYoung]

There is a red couch.
It is lavish and ornate.
The center of the house
we now call home.
Fresh and clean
beaming through the window at our flowers.

There is a red couch.
It is simple and plain.
Pushed aside in the house
for now our home.
Stained and tarnished
staring out the window at the fireflies.

There is a red couch.
It is faded and tearing.
Forgotten in the house
I call home,
Dirty and used
squinting out the window at the falling leaves.

There is a red couch.
It is worn and ragged.
Alone in the house
Once a home.
Stale and dusty with cobwebs
gazing through the window at the snow.

Hi Jimmy,

Thank you for sharing!

I will have to agree with the other posters. The repetition and structure of this did not elicit any feeling from me. I completely understand what you were going for but there are so many other ways to achieve it.

Maybe taking the perspective of the couch? Reversing the timeline of the snapshot? I find switching my perspective, even if I don't keep it, is an excellent way to really get at what I am trying to say and what I want the reader to feel.

---

There is a red couch.
It is lavish and ornate.
The center of the house
we now call home.
Fresh and clean
beaming through the window at our flowers.

There is a red couch.
It is simple and plain.
Pushed aside in the house
for now our home.
Stained and tarnished
staring out the window at the fireflies.

There is a red couch.
It is faded and tearing.
Forgotten in the house
I call home,
Dirty and used
squinting out the window at the falling leaves.

There is a red couch.
It is worn and ragged.
Alone in the house
Once a home.
Stale and dusty with cobwebs
gazing through the window at the snow.

Hi Jimmy,

Thank you for sharing!

I will have to agree with the other posters. The repetition and structure of this did not elicit any feeling from me. I completely understand what you were going for but there are so many other ways to achieve it.

Maybe taking the perspective of the couch? Reversing the timeline of the snapshot? I find switching my perspective, even if I don't keep it, is an excellent way to really get at what I am trying to say and what I want the reader to feel.

---

I really like how your red couch tells the times of generations. I had the thought that it would be an enhancement if the long lines rhymed? The words "There is" and in general give a feeling of your distance from it ll. Best, Loretta