06-05-2014, 10:26 AM
Hi pyxx,
There is a good deal to like about this but you do not help yourself by leaving punctuation up to the reader. The use of alliteration can be overpowering and over-used and both failings are made more apparent if the flow is undirected by the squiggly marks...in other words, more meaning, less words.
I have to say that there are glimpses of joy in the piece, that is not gratuitous flattery,
and is largely due to your observational skills. If you see what you see simply write down the words which describe your thoughts...this will not include "unseemingly unravelling" or "silent cries echoing"...no one who thinks like that is still at large.
Once you have a spine, start adding flesh. It is OK to be intentionally abstract or obscure but remember to be convincing...anything which cannot be understood is the fault of the writer in the first instance. After that, the reader begins to doubt the intentions of the piece...rightly or wrongly. Your call, but once you start to explain what you mean outside the poem, you are doomed.
Best,
tectak
[/quote]
Awesome advice, thank you ^_^
There is a good deal to like about this but you do not help yourself by leaving punctuation up to the reader. The use of alliteration can be overpowering and over-used and both failings are made more apparent if the flow is undirected by the squiggly marks...in other words, more meaning, less words.
I have to say that there are glimpses of joy in the piece, that is not gratuitous flattery,
and is largely due to your observational skills. If you see what you see simply write down the words which describe your thoughts...this will not include "unseemingly unravelling" or "silent cries echoing"...no one who thinks like that is still at large.
Once you have a spine, start adding flesh. It is OK to be intentionally abstract or obscure but remember to be convincing...anything which cannot be understood is the fault of the writer in the first instance. After that, the reader begins to doubt the intentions of the piece...rightly or wrongly. Your call, but once you start to explain what you mean outside the poem, you are doomed.
Best,
tectak
[/quote]
Awesome advice, thank you ^_^