Half Empty

[abu nuwas]

Half Empty

I find myself putting away
these things that once were yours
because they remind me of you; then
I find I have brought them out again
because they remind me of you.
Opposites flowing from the same wellspring;
I am crucified between longing and despair.
I hold and caress your old photos & letters,
and smooth a cutting of your soft hair.
All more precious to me than gold,
for nothing more of you will be mined.
If scarcity sets the value of a thing,
I am the owner of a great treasure house,
yet, of you I have only these things.
A beggar’s portion left to hold
the shattered, scattered, pieces of my soul.


–Erthona


©2010-2014

In the quiet world of Abu Barthes' critique, this could be faulted a great deal for unnecessary words, or expected, if not hackneyed, phrases, most of which have been pointed out. Or, it might be re-punctuated, with no obvious loss, but with a nod to English grammar. I am not so interested in those things, however. I read it several times, and began by thinking it v trite indeed.

As I carried on, however, I came to read and appreciate the understated rhythms. I did not see it as formal --on the contrary, rather conversational. I put it in the class of 'nearly give it the whole works'. The whole works is where people manage, somehow, to utilise rich vocabulary, and deal with the great themes, love, loss, revenge, fear and so on, and get away with it. 'Nearly' is not a pejorative: it merely describes, to me, a poem which does not go the whole hog, but takes risks of that kind., to a lesser degree.

Now -- the last lines. I decided to re-write a bit:

A beggar's tray-full of tangible traces
A petty portion which must hold
Sharp and shattered splinters
The scattered segments of my soul.

And -- I think that 'mining' people and feelings is part of another poem, but by all means, feel free to 'mine' from the rich seam of my suggestions.

OR -leave the bleeding thing be.....

(There was just a whiff of inversion in there you know....it will do you good to find it for yourself, as teachers used to say )