06-04-2014, 07:16 PM
Pyxx, You need to post the edit above the original for comparison. I don't know which version was the better now, the original or the edit. I do like a lot of the imagery in the piece. However, as the poem stands there is a lot of redundancy:
screaming/bleating
stick/needles/picking
eyes/eye/stare
cries/echo/words
thistle/thorn...
Additionally, there is a lot of contrived and contradictory abstractions that come off faux-poetic:
silly sullied, stare blindly, silent cries echo ...unsaid, unseemingly unraveling seams, etc...
These don't really say much or add anything. You have fallen into a common new poet trap of using diametric words and abstractions for impact or contrast like: silent scream, deafening silence, forest of nothingness, unspoken word, blinding darkness, etc. However, these are weak elements that distract.
Again, I love the images (like cotton candy sheep). I would focus on them. Good luck with your next edit./Chris
screaming/bleating
stick/needles/picking
eyes/eye/stare
cries/echo/words
thistle/thorn...
Additionally, there is a lot of contrived and contradictory abstractions that come off faux-poetic:
silly sullied, stare blindly, silent cries echo ...unsaid, unseemingly unraveling seams, etc...
These don't really say much or add anything. You have fallen into a common new poet trap of using diametric words and abstractions for impact or contrast like: silent scream, deafening silence, forest of nothingness, unspoken word, blinding darkness, etc. However, these are weak elements that distract.
Again, I love the images (like cotton candy sheep). I would focus on them. Good luck with your next edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris