06-03-2014, 10:24 AM
Hey Jimmy. The biggest problem for me starts at the start...
"I am a complex Adonis."
- The speaker begins by telling us how wonderful they are. (complex Adonis is a rather high accolade) Why would the reader want to continue? And, if we do read on and are not quite convinced, the speaker reinforces it for us in the last line. I think framing the poem between these lines make the rest of the content redundant. It's a bit like saying...
I'm a really hot girl, but I'm really smart too
This is why
This is why
This is why
I'm a really hot girl, but I'm really smart too.
Having said that, I think the most promise is where you talk about shoulders and stomachs. Give the reader more body parts and how each part is affected by this lifestyle. And don't be afraid to show them a little skin.
"I am a complex Adonis."
- The speaker begins by telling us how wonderful they are. (complex Adonis is a rather high accolade) Why would the reader want to continue? And, if we do read on and are not quite convinced, the speaker reinforces it for us in the last line. I think framing the poem between these lines make the rest of the content redundant. It's a bit like saying...
I'm a really hot girl, but I'm really smart too
This is why
This is why
This is why
I'm a really hot girl, but I'm really smart too.
Having said that, I think the most promise is where you talk about shoulders and stomachs. Give the reader more body parts and how each part is affected by this lifestyle. And don't be afraid to show them a little skin.