06-02-2014, 04:37 AM
Empty,
Rhythmically this shows some poor choices. Your first line, which should be the strongest is rhythmically weak.
L1 "Oh i have plan, to be the owner of a piece of land,"---> I have a plan to be the owner of some land,
L2 "harvest from a garden I myself have sowed" --> and a harvest from the garden I have sown.
L3 "take advantage of the hands the skills i’ve been bestowed." You cannot talk about "hands" and "yourself" as the same. You need to choose between "skilled hands" or talents "bestowed". Personally I would drop "bestowed" as it seems awkward and forced, at least in the way you are currently using it.
I could go line by line and point out the same sorts of things, but I've already re-written more than I prefer, however, sometimes it is easier to show than to tell.
In general, a large part of this could be cut, as you keep saying the same thing over again.
Things are going to be better.
I am a new man, with a new plan.
My life is like a garden
and I am going to be a better gardener
I'm going to harvest a better life,
leave my troubles and/or troubled mind behind.
Also, as a favor, please drop the little "i". It does nothing for your poem, and has probably never done much of anything for anyone's poem, except for cummings, and that is doubtful.
Best,
Dale
Rhythmically this shows some poor choices. Your first line, which should be the strongest is rhythmically weak.
L1 "Oh i have plan, to be the owner of a piece of land,"---> I have a plan to be the owner of some land,
L2 "harvest from a garden I myself have sowed" --> and a harvest from the garden I have sown.
L3 "take advantage of the hands the skills i’ve been bestowed." You cannot talk about "hands" and "yourself" as the same. You need to choose between "skilled hands" or talents "bestowed". Personally I would drop "bestowed" as it seems awkward and forced, at least in the way you are currently using it.
I could go line by line and point out the same sorts of things, but I've already re-written more than I prefer, however, sometimes it is easier to show than to tell.
In general, a large part of this could be cut, as you keep saying the same thing over again.
Things are going to be better.
I am a new man, with a new plan.
My life is like a garden
and I am going to be a better gardener
I'm going to harvest a better life,
leave my troubles and/or troubled mind behind.
Also, as a favor, please drop the little "i". It does nothing for your poem, and has probably never done much of anything for anyone's poem, except for cummings, and that is doubtful.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.