06-01-2014, 08:30 PM
Thank you all so much for the thoughtful comments and suggestions. I am still trying to digest them fully. I understand that if I need to explain any of it, then it hasn't done it's job well. I will try to explain some of the rationale if not the content.
QDS: As I said, much of this is about non-verbal communication. The word whispered was the most subtle way I could find to say "intimated". Perhaps "sighed" may be better. The lack of quotations on the last 2 lines are quite intentional if not clever.
Brownlie and Erthona: I realize I have conveyed it poorly, at least so far, but the subject speaks little English and in an attempt to learn it she often inverts her words and is verbose. In her it may be endearing, but I agree that in a poem it is less endearing.
RSaba: Of course, you are right. Who could say what someone might be dreaming about. It is a guess. Like "while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads". He assumes her dreams are an unraveling of the day's events. And yes, I have a sudden distaste for popcorn now that I have choked on it so dramatically.
Olive: You may have nailed down much of my intent, despite the weakness of the piece. It is meant to be one breath, or one sigh, in the spirit of Haiku and the intended Japanese theme. I am encouraged by that observation.
Obviously I have some work to do so the entirety of it is not "Lost in Translation". Thanks everyone.
QDS: As I said, much of this is about non-verbal communication. The word whispered was the most subtle way I could find to say "intimated". Perhaps "sighed" may be better. The lack of quotations on the last 2 lines are quite intentional if not clever.
Brownlie and Erthona: I realize I have conveyed it poorly, at least so far, but the subject speaks little English and in an attempt to learn it she often inverts her words and is verbose. In her it may be endearing, but I agree that in a poem it is less endearing.
RSaba: Of course, you are right. Who could say what someone might be dreaming about. It is a guess. Like "while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads". He assumes her dreams are an unraveling of the day's events. And yes, I have a sudden distaste for popcorn now that I have choked on it so dramatically.
Olive: You may have nailed down much of my intent, despite the weakness of the piece. It is meant to be one breath, or one sigh, in the spirit of Haiku and the intended Japanese theme. I am encouraged by that observation.
Obviously I have some work to do so the entirety of it is not "Lost in Translation". Thanks everyone.