A Coming Storm

[metalfan91]

I
"Await the coming storm and the change it brings,
The violent flood of everything."

II
Scale pristine mountains on which evil presides,-[/color] How can an evil mountain be pristine and also have decaying on it?
Staggered by decaying stench,
Of rust and leaden lakes.

Twisted wires mangled 'twixt the monolithic trees,
Mages test the strength of man,
Weakened by disease.

Threshing maw and gnashing steel,
Pollute with acrid breath;
Machinations granted life,
By those who brandish death.This just totally says to me the machines are being run by the Bourgoisie!

Staff-flung boulders clear a path,
Through black machines of hate;
In the throes of this old wrath,
A sullen people wait.

III
"A spell was cast,
And Earth pummeled by the gale;
They summoned frost,
And Metropolis bled by sharpened hail.don't get this line

Glacial downpour,
Mage-winds had toppled the Towers of Gold;
Great powers that were,
Cannibalized by ego and pride."

[color=#0000CD]This is an interesting poem with a lot of imagery. I am a history teacher and this poem brings to mind the changes that the "storm" of industrial revolution brought to the world both socially and environmentally. Is that what you were trying to capture? On a more poetic note, your punctuation is confusing and makes it difficult to flow through the poem.

Hi aerickson,

Apologies for the huge gap of time in replying. To be honest, I don't frequent this forum as much as I'd like.

You say that this poem brings to mind "changes that the "storm" of industrial revolution brought to the world both socially and environmentally." I'm glad you thought that. If I could reword what you said, I think it would be more accurate. It reflects the changes that the "storm" of revolution, caused by industrial revolutions, brought to the world both socially and environmentally.

"Scale pristine mountains on which evil presides." You asked how a pristine mountain can also have decaying on it. The pristine quality is a facade. It exudes a purified, pristine quality while it hides the true nature of death and decay. Evil tends to be smart enough to know others will see it as thus. So, it wears a mask. I got this idea form M. Scott Peck's, People of the Lie. Basically that part of the poem, in my head, is about the mages scaling the mountain to confront what is really inside. They are staggered by what they see.

"Threshing maw and gnashing steel,
Pollute with acrid breath;
Machinations granted life,
By those who brandish death"

You made a connection with this and machines being run by the bourgoisie. I think that totally fits. To be specific (maybe unnecessarily specific), when I say "granted life by" I mean created by, not operated by. Maybe the allusion would not be to the bourgoisie who run them, but elite technocrats and politicians who manipulate systems of power that provide for creation of the machines (sorry if I'm reading too much into my own poem). In this fantasy, the machines are literally granted life and are used by "man" not unlike the Garthim in Frank Oz and Jim Henson's. The Dark Crystal.

"A spell was cast,
And Earth pummeled by the gale;
They summoned frost,
And Metropolis bled by sharpened hail."

Finally, you said you don't get the line, "And Metropolis..." I think you meant the bleeding part, but i may be wrong. I mean that the mages summoned a huge storm with massive sharpened hailstones that are quite literally bombarding the metropolis. Bleeding refers to the fact that it is losing life like someone who is bleeding out.

On a more poetic note, you said my punctuation is confusing. I agree. I'm not very good with the technical aspects of writing poetry. I first posted this without punctuation, so that's a hint as to how much I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, these are reworded and re-structured lyrics to an epic heavy metal song that I'm having fun with.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my poem.